Cardinal Pell wins reprieve from eternal torture after confession booth plea


Cardinal George Pell, the most senior Catholic cleric to be convicted of sexual abuse, has won a reprieve from his sentence of everlasting punishment, and will instead live for eternity in paradise with God and Jesus.

Pell was sentenced to burn forever in an unquenchable fire suffering various kinds of torments and torrents of punishment, with restricted access to recreational activities and little chance of parole, after being discovered abusing boys in a Melbourne cathedral. However, after consulting with his religious advisers he has changed his plea to ‘confession’ and called upon the intercession of the Virgin Mary, who shortly after absolved the sentence. Mr Pell is said to be relieved and is looking forward to undergoing any remaining penance while hanging out forever in Heaven with Myra Hindley and Jimmy Saville, who also confessed their sins.

A team of Bishops representing Mr Pell said they were happy he had ‘got it off his chest’ in the confession booth and that the Cardinal was ‘all better now’. They also confirmed that while Pell may have been having sex with a child or two, there was no evidence he committed the graver sin of taking the Lord’s name in vain while doing so.

A Vatican official told us: ‘We can argue all night about who was abusing who, but let’s not forget about God’s limitless capacity to forgive. Sure, the Cardinal may have been a bit ‘groomy’, it is important to note that those accusations were based on uncorroborated claims which must not be taken at face value. People really will believe anything.’

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Posted: Aug 22nd, 2019 by

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