After being instructed by Angela Merkel to develop an alternative to the Backstop as a resolution to the Irish Border issue, Boris Johnson has announced the UK Government’s intention to buy Ireland.
Speaking outside the Élysée Palace, where he is due to meet Emmanuel Macron, Prime Minster Johnson further outlined his vision. “I fell asleep wondering how Churchill would deal with the issue.” He continued, “Waking at 2am, I had a vision, a real moment of clarity. Remove the border, remove the problem! Turn him to any cause of policy, The Gordian Knot of it he will unloose.”
Details of the proposition to the Taoiseach are in their preliminary stages, but the offer is said to include a year’s supply of Smash and a box set of Mrs Brown’s Boys for every Irish Citizen. Though unconfirmed, Mr. Varadkar has also apparently been offered matinee tickets to ‘Michael Flatley: Lord of the Dance’ for every member of the Dáil Éireann in return for renaming Dublin ‘Cromwellingbrough’.
In Cobh, to be returned to the name Queenstown in Johnson’s plan, reception for the offer was unenthusiastic. “What’s next? A return of the Black and Tans?” One resident quipped, “Johnson’s offer is offensive in the extreme and plays on outdated Irish stereotypes. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m off to hurling practice and then a ceilidh later.”