England’s Cricket Selectors have declared themselves ‘extremely happy’ after their much-criticised wildcard selection, the disgraced Tory Peer and ex-jailbird Jeffrey Archer, turned in sensational bowling performances during the second Ashes Test Match at Lords, and the opening day of the Headingley game.
England Captain Joe Root said: ‘Well of course eyebrows were raised when the First Among Equals and Kane and Abel novelist got the nod, but the selectors certainly have proven they knew what they were doing in picking him, and I bet that old ‘sandpaper’ Steve Smith wishes that Archer was still being detained at Her Majesty’s Pleasure in an open prison somewhere.’
However there was something of an embarrassing mix-up before play began at the third test, when the much-hated psychopathic boy-tyrant from Game of Thrones, King Joffrey, turned up to the Headingley dressing room only to be informed he had not been selected for the team.
He later told reporters: ‘I can’t deny it. I’m really gutted. But rest assured… so will someone else be too, not to mention hung drawn and quartered then their head placed upon a spike.’
At stumps after the second test, Archer himself was cock-a-hoop with his performance and arranged for his England teammates to come round for a Krug and Shepherds Pie nosh-up at his posh London penthouse.
It’s also understood that he intends to pen a new blockbuster set in the world of cricket. He told reporters: ‘I’ll be riding high in the best seller lists by Christmas. Howzat!’