In a leak of new government plans the Daily Mail has revealed that children will be legally required to wear special bubble suits until the age of 18, in a bid to safeguard them at home, at school and in their communities.
The suits, made from a specially reinforced and inflatable plastic have been developed in consultation with NASA scientists and members of the Magic Circle. They not only have the advantage of being completely paedophile proof, following stringent tests in parks and playgrounds, but are designed to keep children safe in many other circumstances.
‘The suits are extremely versatile,’ said NASA scientist Jurgen Hensen, ‘for example, if a child runs into the road and is hit by a 4×4 he will simply bounce to safety instead of going through the bull-bars like chips. In addition the suit will prevent children from drowning in streams and rivers and, even if they are washed out to sea they can easily be picked up by rescue teams due to the addition of a GPS tag and glow in the dark trimming. They are also shark proof.’
In bullying situations the suit will protect children from sticks and stones, and a special built in jet pack will allow them to do a complete vertical take-off if confronted by a kerb crawler.
Child protection agencies have welcomed the move to protect young people from many challenging situations. A spokesman from the UK charity ChildLine said, ‘We are encouraged by this innovative approach by the government and, although it does not protect from psychological abuse it will allow children to do all of the normal things a child wants to do when growing up such as climbing on factory roofs, trespassing on railway lines and popping round to get sweets from their nearest neighbourhood nutter.’
The suit comes complete with an eighteen year guarantee and is available in S, M, L, XL, XXL and clinically obese.