Opiod abuse is the key to a balanced post Brexit healthcare system in the UK, Donald Trump has told Boris Johnson in the wake of the Johnson and Johnson judgement. In a personal letter leaked to the British Medical Journal President Trump says: ‘What’s really tragic is that you Brits pioneered this method of treatment but you’ve failed to build on your past successes. We were agog with admiration when you wiped out around 650 patients at Gosport War Memorial Hospital all those years ago but what have you done since? OK it solved a local problem of bed blocking and waiting lists but it’s hardly revolutionised the NHS has it?’
‘My own view,’ the president goes on. ‘Is that you’ve been hamstrung by all those EU regulations and that health and safety crap. As soon as November comes you want to drop all that stuff and get back on stream. You see what we’ve managed in little old Oklahoma – 6000 deaths and that was without any government interference. With your more centralised system the sky will be the limit. I will personally direct the bosses of J&J to cut you a very advantageous deal provided you can let them have a few hospitals to play with.’
A spokesman for Number 10 said Boris Johnson was delighted with the President’s letter and the implied support in it: ‘As a British Prime Minister he will do practically anything to accommodate the President’s wishes however absurd. But there are one or two things that need to be sorted out. For example Mr Johnson has seen Oklahoma several times and he thinks it’s a jolly fine musical but at no point were there 6000 members of the cast. Also with our smaller population we can’t afford to slaughter too many people as the next time we have a referendum it could lead to a tie rather than a majority one way or the other.’
Westminster insiders say that a number of Cabinet members have already suggested to the Prime Minister that in order to speed up a post Brexit trade deal with the Americans he should try and lay hands on some J&J samples as soon as possible so that they can make an early appraisal of their efficacy. Michael Gove was unavailable for comment.