Hurt that his recent attacks on German companies have gone unreported, Mark François, in a desperate bid to appear relevant has barricaded himself inside his WW2 Anderson Shelter.
His long suffering wife Maud, their cat Overlord, two sons Utah and Omaha and daughter Juno, are said to be beside themselves with worry.
Speaking to him through a length of rubber tubing, his wife has begged him to come out, promising him his favourite meal of Jellied Eels, Cornbeef and carrots and an extra large helping of spotted dick.
Not seen in public since Boris Johnson took office, François was hurt not be named Supreme Commander of Britain’s fighting forces after he had played a prominent part in keeping rebel Tory MPs in line. As one of the feared ERG storm troopers, his self designed and self embroidered uniform now hanging useless in his wardrobe, François is a broken and bitter man.
According to reports, Mark has been filling his time copying out passages from the Bible which he hopes to be able to quote when engaged in heated debates with the opposition should his star rise again. Known to have violent tendencies and a fondness for playing at being a sniper, neighbours have been warned to stay away from windows and to leave the house on all fours when attempting to access their vehicles.
A leading psychiatrist warned today that with Francois’s obsession with war coupled with his inbred, little Englander hatred of foreigners, together make him what is called in medical circles, a ‘very dangerous little shit’.