Following Boris Johnson’s recent announcement that he’s creating 10,000 more prison places coupled with a tough crackdown on criminals in general, comes news that some of those places will be found by freeing up existing prison accommodation courtesy of a live ITV show.
But before fans of twenty-four hour bang-ups, slopping-out and solitary confinement panic that prisoners could be released from jail, we can reveal that it means nothing of the kind, and that two birds will be killed, quite literally, with one stone.
Home Secretary Priti Patel, a keen capital punishment enthusiast, has let it be known that she is in talks with ITV show executives to create, Circus Maximus, a new Saturday evening blockbuster, that will see recidivists, career criminals and foreigners fed to lions at the culmination of each programme.
She told reporters: ‘As caring Conservatives we know what the people want to see, and by the people I of course mean mentally negligible and deranged xenophobic Daily Mail-reading racist bigots.’
‘Habitual criminals need to learn that the soft policy of “three strikes and you’re out” is being discontinued to be replaced by three strikes and you’re eaten alive.’
‘Circus Maximus, naturally hosted by Ant and Dec, will be a blend of Gladiator and Hunger Games where there will be at least one hundred losers… err… I mean one hundred contestants each week, all of whom will be sadly eaten alive unless they win an “Emperor’s pardon”. But of course these will be well nigh impossible to win. I can’t see Nigel (Farage) handing out too many, can you?’
One Tory supporter and Brexit enthusiast, Barry Shite, a costermonger and Prospective parliamentary candidate for the Brexit Party from Billericay said: ‘It’s about facking time too. At last, no more 5-star cordon bleu grub or free Sky TV for these bastards. If you ask me, having them eaten alive by lions is too facking good for ’em.’