Footballing legend and part-time philosopher Eric Cantona has been offered a plum role leading Brexit negotiations with the EU, it has been confirmed today. Boris Johnson is said to have been highly impressed with Cantona’s speech this week at the UEFA Champions League draw, arguing that The King will bring ‘much needed clarity’ to discussions as negotiations restart.
Cantona is to be sent to Brussels on Monday to address Michel Barnier directly, with a leaked version of his opening position thought to read: ‘This is the excellent foppery of the world, that, when we are sick in fortune we make guilty of our disasters the sun, the moon, and the stars… and all that we are evil in, by a divine thrusting on: an admirable evasion of whoremaster man, to lay his goatish disposition to the charge of a star.’
If this fails to lead to EU concessions, Cantona is expected to argue that: ‘Blow, winds, and crack your cheeks! Rage! Blow! You cataracts and hurricanes, spout till you have drenched our steeples, drowned the cocks!’, thought by many to be a concrete proposal for an alternative to the backstop arrangement.
Jacob Rees Mogg is said to be less than happy with the installation of Cantona, as he looks set to lose his monopoly on using wanky Shakespeare quotes in interviews on the Today programme.
Current lead negotiator David Frost is also said to be a bit miffed at being displaced, although he admits that he can’t spray the ball across the park as well as Eric, nor take out the negotiating team with a well-placed Kung Fu kick.
When asked for his views about PM Boris Johnson by the press, Cantona cryptically noted: ‘He’s a total twat, mate, pure and simple’.