Alarming footage has emerged of puppies being delivered straight to No.10, to a Prime Minister whose ‘unnatural appetites’ Parliament can no longer control. This was coupled with photographs, an hour later, of Carrie Symonds leaving a Tesco’s carrier bag on the doorstep; containing small bones, a blood-stained copy of Jamie Oliver’s 15-Minute Meals and a studded collar with the name ‘Champ’ on it
A spokeswoman confirmed: ‘The Prime Minister acquired a taste for dog flesh, while serving as the Foreign Secretary. Not because of any visit to South Korea, he was just bored. Initially he started with the occasional Shih Tzu in his bedroom – which his last wife wasn’t into – but has now slowly worked up to a Jack Russell, with garnish’.
The 15-week-old dog was originally rescued by ‘Friends of Animals Wales’, who Mr. Johnson found on ‘Just Eat’. The pretence that he was saving the animal was soon dropped, when it became clear that the Jack Russell arrived covered in hoisin sauce and was sitting on a bed of lettuce.
Cynics have claimed that the adoption of the puppy is a pre-election publicity stunt, but a spokeswoman for Mr. Johnson has described it simply as an ‘entrée’. Asked if the Prime Minister anticipated post-Brexit food shortages, she replied: ‘Not with Battersea Dogs Home so near’.