Having taken the extraordinary steps to expel Winston Churchill’s grandson from the parliamentary party, Boris Johnson insisted he would continue to clear out other Tory grandees such as Jeremy Clarkson, Leopold II of Belgium and Hans Gruber. The most notable casualty will be famous boot-model, the Duke of Wellington, who was accused – during the Battle of Waterloo – of being ‘too soft’ on Europe.
Mr. Johnson was clear that there would be no room in the Conservative Party for those with pro-European sentiment, like Genghis Khan. He wanted people who could be relied upon, who saw the benefits of a Hard Brexit, such as disaster capitalists and the terminally ill.
A spokesman for the Duke of Wellington commented: ‘The Duke has participated in over 60 land battles, been Prime Minister twice and voted in favour of cutting TV licenses for the over-75s. He considers himself a loyal Tory, although he’s been a bit lapse with his membership fees. Obviously, the Duke is disappointed to have had the whip withdrawn, but he’s more annoyed at having been dead for the last 170 years.’
Upwards of twenty MPs are set to lose the whip and many of whom will step down as MPs, returning to their original profession; as either a snake oil salesman, a Spanish Prisoner or journalist. Stripped of his title, Arthur Wellesley will go back to what he does best – stopping short megalomaniacs causing carnage throughout Belgium – so watch out Nigel Farage.