Following a speech to police recruits in West Yorkshire when Boris Johnson gave a rambling address, so flat and incoherent that it apparently bored one female officer to death, Johnson’s boss, Donald Trump, has told him in no uncertain terms to ‘get his goddamn act together’. In future, Trump has told him, his addresses should take place only in front of certified fans, whooping, hollering and carrying placards with slogans of support on them.
‘What the hell was that, buddy? So bad. Tragic. A car crash,’ said a furious Trump. ‘And who were those people all dressed in black? WOW! Drab drab drab! Next time you make a speech get some real hot-looking babes standing right behind you. That’s what I do, and then if I fuck up my speech like you did, nobody notices as they’re only checking out the dames. And hey, let me give you another tip. Leave stunts like trying to read folks their rights to people with a brain. You got it, bozo? Goof up like that again and… you’re fired!’’