Tourism officials on both sides of the Irish border are finding themselves inundated with visitors from abroad who want to see the Irish Backstop for themselves. ‘We’ve been getting calls from all over the globe about the backstop,’ said Seamus Murphy of the Republic of Ireland Tourist Board. ‘They want to know where it is, how big it is and are they allowed to take a selfie in front of it?’
Michael Flanagan of the Northern Ireland Tourist Board has similar stories. ‘We’ve had people asking if they can keep a piece of it, if it isn’t needed, like with the Berlin Wall. We’ve rarely had so many enquiries about a single artefact north of the border,’ he said. ‘No-one gives the proverbial monkey’s about the Guinness Hopstore, Giant’s Causeway or the Titanic Museum any more, it’s just backstop all the way.’
Both tourist boards are working together to leverage something out of Brexit. ‘Nobody knows what the backstop looks like, or what it is. Ask any British politician and they’ll just go purple and start talking in euphemisms, wave their arms in the air and shout that it has to be stopped. So we’re looking at erecting something along the border that we can market as “the backstop”. We’ll sell it bit by bit, but just keep on replacing the parts that are sold,’ said Murphy.
‘We’re expecting cars and trucks to stop on both sides of the border at all hours of the day. It would be impolite to not discuss the purpose of their journey across our beautiful lands, or to cast an appreciative eye over any goods they have in their trucks. We’d really like to have a giggle at their passport photographs and, of course, we’d like to charge a nominal fee – purely for the maintenance of the backstop attraction, so we would,’ Flanagan added.
‘We’re calling the nominal fees “tariffs” for want of a better word. And of course, tourist information officers managing the attraction will be armed, so please comply with their requests. NOW, motherf*ckers. I mean, those are nice kneecaps you have there – it’d be a shame if anything happened to them, wouldn’t it now?’