A leaked document from the Brexit party today confirmed that two of the largest tugboats ever designed are under construction in a disused Pottery in Stoke. Funded jointly by Aaron Banks and Jacob Rees-Mogg, the boats will be attached to Scotland by enormous steel chains and will drag the UK 400 miles north, well away from the clutches of unelected Eurocrats, thus saving it from the looming disaster of closer links with Europe.
‘There is no truth in these allegations,’ said a Brexit spokesman – well it was a man, obviously. ‘Oh yeah, sorry, I mean it’s all true. It will solve so many problems at one stroke. For years the EU have plotted and schemed to get closer to us, for long enough the people of Dover had to put up with the smell of garlic wafting across the Channel and, as the Blessed Nigel said, “Let’s see the darkies try and swim over now”.’
Tory environmental specialists (no, really) have hailed this as Britain’s answer to global warming. By dragging the UK further north, they can promise that the colder climate will equal out with the expected warmer temperatures expected in the South creating perfect British weather.
The tugboats, already nicknamed the Wild Horses, are expected to be ready by 25th October, with the great sail-away or drag-away planned for 31st October. ‘Stoke isn’t that near to the sea, apparently,’ said geographically challenged Foreign Secretary Dominic Raab, ‘but we though it was important to create jobs in a Leave-supporting area as a thank-you to the local peasantry.’
When the news broke, Ireland immediately announced a week of national celebration and street parties. Festivals were being planned from Dublin to Belfast, from Cork to Donegal. Well known Irish singer, songwriter, Finbar Murphy has announced the rush release of a tribute single, a Celtic version of that Vera Lynn classic, We’ll Meet Again (Knowing Our Luck).