Worried Brexiter begins stockpiling the Daily Express


Fears are mounting that escalating No Deal Brexit preparations may leave the UK exposed to shortages of vitriol, xenophobia and mendacity. Leavers are therefore stockpiling tabloids in order to be ready. ‘We didn’t win the war by not leaving the EU,’ said Essex pensioner Alfred ‘Tailgunner’ Rathbone, who voted Leave in 2016 and now regrets that he voted Remain. ‘And I’m not prepared to gamble my pension on our country making legally binding agreements with foreigners.’

Rathbone added that chronic grumbling has been part of his life for several years and his daily ‘fix’ of the Express was the only thing that kept him going. ‘Listen, young man, it’s been five years since the referendum and I still can’t take my dog for a shit on the beach,’ he said on his way into Ladbrokes on Maldon High Street. ‘If that argument does finally get resolved before November, I’ll be moaning about the weather again, and that’s boring, to be quite frank. I need Gripe, and I need it in newsprint.’

On his way out, he remarked: ‘What kind of betting shop is this? They won’t take an evens bet on me being able to let my cat piss in my neighbour’s garden. I tell you, this country. I blame the EU.’

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Posted: Sep 13th, 2019 by

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