Apple’s new iPhone is devoid of any hardware or features and will exist only in the sense of its owners’ smug, self-satisfaction, it can be revealed.
Appearing as a hard-light hologram at the Silicon Valley launch yesterday, CEO Tim Cook silently touched 100 lucky Apple fans on the head with an esoteric screen-gesture before taking their wallets and vanishing – leaving only a cloud of confetti embossed with tiny Steve Jobs faces slowly tumbling to the ground.
‘People crave simplicity, and simplicity is nothing’ echoed a monotone, disembodied voice beamed directly into the minds of the faithful. ‘If you call someone in your mind, your battery life will be infinite. Go now, my children.’ The iPhone 11 retails at £729 and comes in a biodegradable box containing nothing but a slowly fading whisper of an idea. The iPhone 11 Pro costs more and doesn’t come with the box.