In an unexpected move attempting to sew some harmony and good feeling into the fabric of Britain’s Brexit-buffeted bruised and broken society, Prime Minister Boris Johnson has announced he has struck a deal with ITV2 and Prince Edward to make an It’s a Knockout-style TV show featuring the current ‘young royals” in much the same way as was done in 1987.
‘This fantabulous and wondrous event will be the envy of all our friends in Europe who will only be able to look on in green-eyed jealousy. And one thing you can be sure of, there will be no reference whatsoever to Jeux Sans Frontières. This will be a no-Froggy-lingo zone that we’re calling Britannia Rules the Waves,’ enthused Mr Johnson. ‘Perhaps we could get Stuart Hall to compere, just for a bit of fun.
‘It will be fantastic show that will eclipse its predecessor, if indeed perfection can be improved upon, to cheer our nation and make Britain feel truly great about itself again. Hoorah! and a tippity yip-yip-yip!’
‘So listen up all you doomsters and gloomsters, it is widely accepted that we, the British, are the most fantastic nation on earth. Just ask any other world leader and they’ll agree with me in a heartbeat. Therefore it’s high time to put our best foot forward and show everyone that’s just exactly what we are. Simply the best. Bettered by no one.’
The show will be presented by Ant and Dec and team captains will be Princes William and Harry and Duchesses Kate and Meghan. Rumours that one round will feature Kate and Meghan dressed in skimpy bikinis wrestling each other to the death in a bath of cold baked beans are yet to be confirmed, although Boris was seen to salivate uncontrollably when it was mentioned by one media correspondent.
The winning team is to be immortalised in a set of commemorative plates made by Danbury Mint in a strictly limited edition of 100,000,000, and will be available for sale to starving impoverished pensioners and crackpot royalists at a cost of £250. Upon hearing the news, Her Majesty the Queen slapped her hand over her eyes and said ‘Oh dear, surely not again’, while the Duke of Edinburgh simply said: ‘Fuck me sideways with a bendy banana, our Liz.’