Are you confused by the different government planning documents around Brexit? Not sure whether a scenario is base, worst-case or Doomsday? With access to previously unseen, highly sensitive documents found in the bin outside the door of the Red Lion Pub in Westminster, here is your handy cut-out-and-keep guide:
Operation Yellowhammer – Thought by some to be named after a bird who Enid Blyton described as having a call that sounded like ‘A little bit of bread and no cheese’. If this situation actually occurs, government officials are thought to be unconcerned as Aunt Fanny has made a picnic for every UK citizen with chicken and egg salads and lashings of ginger beer. Uncle Quentin is thought to have brought in to help the government move this from a ‘base’ to ‘worse case scenario’, using a pot of Tippex and by dripping a bit of lemon on official government headed paper to help redact sensitive sections.
Operation MC Hammer – Insiders have revealed that this is a codeword for Boris Johnson and Jacob Rees Mogg’s current preferred strategy for negotiating with the EU. This involves them going to Brussels to meet Jean-Claude Juncker wearing implausibly baggy trousers, dancing around a calendar with 31st October circled in red pen and singing ‘You can’t touch this’.
Operation Yellow Submarine – Whilst trusted trader and borderless technology have caught attention in the press as alternatives to the Irish backstop, Operation Yellow Submarine draws on the 1966 Beatles classic to propose a prototype soft Irish border in ‘the sea of green’. A permanent team of 10,000 border agents, high on mind-altering drugs, would live permanently beneath the waves, and their friends are all aboard, and many more of them live next door. A specially constructed decontamination room will be used to house all the chlorinated chicken found. Ringo Starr has agreed to do voiceover work for the accompanying information campaign.
Operation Black Swan – Thought by many to be a metaphor used to indicate the worst case scenario, new documents reveal that Black Swan is a soon to be released psychological thriller film set in the world of ballet, describing tensions between Remainers and Leavers in the House of Commons over the delivery of Brexit. In one key scene, Johnson hides Article 50 in the front of his ballet tights so no one else can find it, and accompanied by Michael Gove and other Brexiteers, they pirouettes out of the Chamber to Swan Lake.
Operation White Swan – David Cameron’s plan for reflecting every day on the 2016 referendum, in which he gets up at 10, spends a couple of hours in a shepherds hut, and then heads to the local White Swan pub to meet George Osbourne and chillax over a couple of glasses of white wine.
Operation Brock – Based on the arrangements used when there is heavy traffic at the Sunday car boot sale at Leeds-Bradford Airport, operation Brock puts vehicles in a big field where cars are charged 50p, lorries £2, but you get this back if you buy something from the burger stall and keep your receipt. This replaced Operation Stack in early 2019, after it was found that dodgy legs of lamb were being passed through queues of lorries stacked up on the hard shoulder out of Dover, and then introduced into the food chain by the driver at the front by him hiding them up his jumper and selling them on to Tesco.
Operation Operation – If no deal has been reached by 30th October, Operation Operation proposes a 24-hour contest between UK and EU negotiators using the classic kids game Operation to sort out Brexit once and for all. Michel Barnier is known to be a strong player, but is thought to have a weakness in accessing the Funny Bone. Boris Johnson has asked if they can play the Eton Wall Game instead.