In a breathtakingly opportunistic move worthy of the turning and twisting machinations on Game of Thrones, be-mulleted lap dance club supremo, Peter Stringfellow, has made a daring move and captured the late Hugh Hefner’s Playboy mansion to declare himself the new King of thinly veiled sleaze.
Speaking from the mansion’s grotto poolside and sipping a Singapore Sling he told Fox News: ‘I’ve seized control of the Playboy Empire to ensure a catastrophic misogyny vacuum doesn’t form. It’s to restore stability and ensure the objectification of women won’t descend into a dangerously out-of-control spiral. I had to move quickly, so in true Mrs T style I speedily assembled a task force as soon as news of Hef’s death broke. Arriving in LA we managed to take control of the mansion in fierce hand-to-hand combat without sustaining many casualties, and now that the coup is complete henceforth all sleazeballs will bend the knee to me.’
Earlier in the day there was a strong rumour that Richard Desmond had been tempted to get back into the adult entertainment business and take his chances to claim the throne himself. However referring to these reports Stringfellow rather casually commented: ‘Yeah, it’s true, but that threat was quickly neutralised.’
The world will now play a waiting game to see what will happen next, but the smart money is on a merger of the Playboy and Stringfellows businesses – although it may be harder to market ‘Stringboys’. Meanwhile Donald trump has tweeted: ‘Say! Where does this guy Stringfellow get off? Bending the knee under any circumstances is unpatriotic and downright un-American. FACT!”