Beginning the presentation of its case on day three of proceedings, the government has been accused of deliberately delaying proceedings as it announced it intends to call 157 expert witnesses to testify before the Supreme Court. These include Prime Minister Boris Johnson, who has prepared a 243 page statement, and a number of mime artists who intend to represent the government’s legal position through the medium of interpretive dance.
“There’s no need for all these witnesses” said Lord Pannick, acting for Gina Miller. “This is an outrageous fillibuster, completely at odds with the UK’s proud traditions of swift and efficient legal procedure and constitutional clarity – cough, cough, excuse me I seem to be choking on something…”.
“If all these witnesses cannot be heard then this is an unfair trial and not binding” said Sir Patrick Eadie, representing the government. “The Prime Minister is a firm believer in the rule of law, and could not countenance trying to settle such an important question with an unsatisfactory process that didn’t hear all the facts. Now will you please excuse me, I must go to the bathroom before my burning pants set off the courtroom sprinkler system.”
Lady Hale, the most senior judge on the Supreme Court, said that, given the volume of evidence, the verdict probably couldn’t be reached until the 14th October – coincidentally, the date of the Queens Speech.
“In point of fact” she added, “it might be necessary to prorogue Parliament until sometime in November in order to make time to thoroughly examine the case for the legality of proroguing Parliament. The legality of the second prorogation could then be examined in a second series, sorry case”. In light of this statement, Netflix is rumoured to be considering a bid of “around £7m” for the TV rights.