Medical research normally endorses the careful removal of a parasite, but some leeches are of the opinion that if it was not for them, no blood would ever be produced. In fact, many leeches have threatened to leave our bodies altogether, in the event of income tax, a lack of good parking spaces in Knightsbridge or a whiff of socialism.
A recently ennobled leech commented: ‘It’s very simple, when I suck your blood, I force you to make more blood. That in turn means you have to work twice as hard, just to keep up with the level of plasma draining from your body. If I leave, how would you know how to make your own blood?’
Another predatory worm explained: ‘Having sliced through your flesh, I can just feed uninterrupted – slurping down your low corporation tax rate and all that juicy deregulated banking. I then secrete an anticoagulant, to stop you clotting or noticing that I’ve privatized the NHS’.
London-based leeches have threatened to take their business elsewhere, setting up on the rump of an Irish Setter. They denied transferring profits to an offshore blood-bank: ‘We are vital to the economy, blood just won’t syphon itself, you know. If you compare us Richard Branson, I think it’s fair to say that one of us is a parasitic worm sponging off the nation and the rest of us are just leeches’.