he Duke and Duchess of Sussex will not be touring the UK any time soon confirmed Buckingham Palace. It’s a preposterous idea and has never even been considered added a Palace aide. The non-existent 10 day visit that will never take place will not see the Royal couple visiting some of the most run down and socially deprived areas across the UK.
The imaginary tour will not begin in Cornwall, an ailing English county so neglected and deprived that figures issued by the independent Eurostat think-tank reveal it to be the SECOND poorest region in the whole of northern Europe. Ironically, a county so poor that the actual Duke of Cornwall holds more personal wealth than the whole of the working population put together.
After not visiting a Cornish pasty factory and not taking part in a photo-opportunity in which the Royal couple don’t enjoy an ice-cream with baby Archie the circus will not move on to the West Midlands. After not spending any time meeting a group of disabled people from Stoke-on-Trent in a derelict bottle kiln, a town so run down that over 20% of the population are on benefits the Royal couple will not become patrons of yet another meaningless charity and then will definitely not head north.
The Duke and Duchess will not be moving on to Glasgow and not spend a ‘pretend’ afternoon working in a soup kitchen where the life expectancy of the male population is now lower than that in many parts of Africa.
The non-existent tour will then not take the Royals to the north-east to not visit the parents of a homeless ex-serviceman found frozen to death in the doorway of a boarded up branch of Barclays.
Instead, the Royal couple will be going to Africa to patronise people 7000 miles away. To Malawi, Botswana and Angola to show just how much they care about people unfortunate to live in deprived and run down areas. Just as long as they don’t have to step over them on the way to the opera or look at them from their balcony window.
In the safe confines of an orchestrated, carefully stage managed visit in which they won’t get heckled about one of the Duchess’s £20,000 frocks or harangued about their £2m yoga floor or have uncomfortable home truths hurled at them from people living on run-down housing estates or pensioners living in tinderbox tower blocks expected to live for a week on the sort of money Royals would spend on a sandwich.Instead, all the cherry-picked children will have big, beaming smiling faces and will all be given soft-power Union Jacks to wave.
On the plus side, at least the itinerary will be so full that Prince Harry won’t have time to slip away to do a bit of big game hunting like he did last time he was there.