Much to the continuation of Number 10, the Supreme Court has ruled that the Prime Minister must now be dunked in water while tied to a stool, then strapped to a large wheel and lashed by aggrieved Remain voters. His prorogation of Parliament has been deemed illegal and as such means that Boris must be undergo a series of unnecessarily cruel tortures – much like ‘marital coitus’ as his wives would say.
Numerous spikes and chains are being prepared for the Prime Minister, none of which, ironically, will meet strict EU health and safety guidelines. Many of his punishments will be made public, for his humiliation, much like voting for him in the first place.
While slightly archaic, the main torture for Mr. Johnson will be the 14th century’s Pear of Anguish. Whereby a metal, pear-shaped contraption will be inserted in the Prime Minister’s anus and gradually opened, before finally popping into sharp slivers. All 11 Judges declared that this agonizing pain, was the closest thing to a Brexit negotiation.
Mr. Johnson can still avoid his punishment by demanding an ‘ordeal by combat’; fighting to the death Remain’s Champion, Tony Blair – which the public have described as a win/win scenario. Explained one judge: ‘The most appropriate was the punishment reserved for medieval idiots, where you take a large sack filled with manure and then you hit him with a stick’.