The White House has rejected calls for impeachment, explaining that the President has been in diplomatic negotiations to exchange Crimea for ‘something six foot, blonde and with an ass that won’t quit’. His Ukrainian counterpart, Volodymyr Zelensk, confirmed that nothing untoward had been discussed, other than the quiet disposal of one Slovenian ex-wife.
Having exhausted Eastern Europe’s supply of supine wives, Mr. Trump has turned his attention to the Ukraine – offering back-door access, in exchange for back-door fun. An aide explained: ‘The President rejects accusations that he was attempting to do the dirty on Joe Biden. Joe is not his type. And normally the President pays Russian hookers to do that’.
Ukrainian diplomats have promised that the prospective bride will be able to satisfy Mr. Trump’s bedroom needs – helping him on with his slippers, running his hair through a loom and confiscating his Twitter account when he’s had too much hot cocoa to drink. In return, the lucky lady will get a gold-plated green-card, while getting to call herself the First Lady, the Fourth Wife and the millionth model he’s knocked up.
The President insisted that any new bride meet his own rigorous standards; she needs to be beautiful, complimentary and willing to take the rap if the FBI get too close. Ultimately, she must provide him with many ‘strong sons’ – so no more ‘Erics’ – and many beautiful daughters, in case he runs out of brides.