‘It’s not you, it’s me’, say HP printers

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A large number of printers are now rejecting budget ink cartridges for spurious reasons, such as age difference, life being ‘too complicated’ right now or that they are seeing someone else. Hewlett Packard denies that they no longer recognise unofficial cartridges, but did admit to thinking of them as if they were ‘like a brother’.

Allegedly the last firmware update has changed from basic black/white settings to ‘uber bitch’. Subsequently HP printers will not work with products that they date, despite admitting to being attracted to budget cartridges – ‘just not in that way’.

Meanwhile cheaper cartridges are dealing with their rejection by sending needy error messages and gorging on ice-cream. Friends attest to seeing these cartridges pouring their heart out through an incredibly small nozzle and mumbling about ‘knowing what it’s like to be Owen Smith’.

Rival ink vendors are naturally upset but HP has said ‘let’s just be friends’. HP claims that they need to concentrate on their career right now and cannot commit to 2.5 copies or a long-term print queue. Said one executive: ‘Naturally we’re flattered but we need to protect HP’s intellectual property and anyway, we’re gay’.

 

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Posted: Sep 27th, 2019 by

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