The Tories promise you will live forever and there will be no more dog turds dangling from little green bags amongst the foliage in your local park, but only if you vote for them.
The announcements are amongst other high-profile initiatives as part of their ‘dynamic and exciting agenda’ – if elected in a Utopian Britain which is to follow the forthcoming implementation of a no-lube Brexit without further dither and delay, even if it is sort of maybe illegal if you believe some lefty judges.
Speaking to the adoring throng at the Conservative Party Conference brought to you by Saga, chancellor Sajid Javid reeled off the pledges as part of a list of vote-winning measures in the strangely coincidental backdrop of a looming general election campaign.
Other items included the traditional pre-election tax cuts bribe, new hospitals again and basically anything and everything that a blank chequebook and positive British attitude can do.
“Once we are out of the EU, you will live forever and ever in Nirvana” enthused Mr Javid. “and the social scourge of skidmarks on pavements will be eradicated for good!” he went on, to rapturous applause.
When grilled later on the Andrew Neil Show, a less comfortable Mr Javid seemed to struggle a little when the Paisley Prober asked repeatedly exactly how these promises will be delivered. A visibly sweating chancellor stuttered “Well, look how we’re going to solve the Irish border problem post-Brexit. Technology for instance and er… um… being positive, ah… um… by not dithering… or delaying… er… down with the naysayers… and um… having a dynamic and exciting agenda…”