It’s an image no well-balanced individual wants to have imprinted in their brain, but it would seem that Prime Minister Boris Johnson and jackboot enthusiast Nigel Farage have decided that the best way to decide who gets to be Britain’s official “man of the people” is by holding a caviar-wrestling contest.
The contest, which will see the two men grappling with each other in a children’s paddling pool filled with expensive caviar while fellow politicians toss £50 notes at them, is scheduled to be held this weekend on the gold-plated superyacht of some non-domiciled Tory donor or other.
In the blue corner will be Prime Minister Alexander Boris de Pfefell Johnson, the former Eton schoolboy who once revelled in smashing up restaurants as a member of the Bullingdon Club. And in the suspiciously red, white and black corner will be the privately educated millionaire career politician Nigel Farage.
Both men agree that the best way to serve “the people” is to hand the NHS over to Donald Trump on an ornate silver platter. But that honour can only go to one of them, and that will be the winner of the caviar-wrestling contest.
Opinions on who will emerge from the slimy contest victorious are mixed. “I’d like to say Johnson,” ventured political commentator Colwyn Bay, “but then, he’s already lost god knows how many Parliamentary votes in a row so maybe not. On the other hand, Farage has tried and failed to get elected to Parliament seven times. So it would seem that either way we’re f**ked, to be honest.”