A sack of potatoes has announced its intention to run for the position of Prime Minister of the United Kingdom.
Speaking from a pantry in Doncaster, the sack of potatoes said: “It is my intention to campaign for the office of Prime Minister on the promise that even I can’t possibly be as lousy as the yobbo with cash who has the job now.”
The sack of potatoes continued: “I may be just a sack of potatoes, but I’ve never smashed up a restaurant whilst shouting ‘Buller Buller Buller’, never been sacked from The Times for fabricating a quote, never been sacked from the shadow cabinet for lying about an affair, never compared Muslim women to letterboxes and never referred to black people as piccaninnies.”
About his campaign plans, the sack of potatoes had this to say: “I for one would never stoop to plastering brazen lies over the sides of buses, never claim that a country is about to join the EU when it simply isn’t and don’t plan on having any blazing rows with my girlfriend which would result in the police being called. I also certainly wouldn’t stoop to breaking electoral law in order to win. There are certain lines that we root vegetables would never dream of crossing, politically speaking.”
And if the sack of potatoes wins and ends up in Downing Street, what then?
“I understand that a lot of people would raise their eyebrows at the prospect of the country being run by a sack of potatoes, but even I couldn’t lose about six votes in a row. I also wouldn’t dream of suspending Parliament and certainly wouldn’t lie to the Queen. Can the present Prime Minister say that? I think not!”
Sack of potatoes 1 – Boris Johnson nil.