The US National Park Service has announced the first addition since 1941 to the world-famous carvings at the Mount Rushmore National Memorial. By the end of 2019, the heads of former presidents George Washington, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln and Theodore Roosevelt will be joined by the toadstool-shaped cock of the current president, Donald Trump.
‘We figured it was time for an update,’ said Paul Daniel Smith, acting director of the NPS. ‘Mount Rushmore is South Dakota’s top tourist attraction – yeah, yeah, very funny. Not – and it was always the intention to feature our most eminent presidents. Washington won our freedom from the British; Jefferson wrote the constitution; Lincoln won the Civil War and freed the slaves; Roosevelt, ah, gave his name to teddy bears. It’s only fitting we should add in the peculiar wanger of the first president to fuck a porn star.’
Added Smith: ‘No, Bill. You denied it at the time and that’s that.’
Budget restrictions had made it impractical for Trump’s head to be carved to the same scale as his predecessors, let alone having it twice the size of the others on the basis of this very stable genius having the largest brain and most active dong on the planet, bigly. However, the NPS have vowed that the impending dick pic in stone will be sculpted to scale.
‘The heads are 60 feet high, about 80 times more than life-size, so for Little Donald we are looking for a rock of, ooh, about 15 inches, so I’m told,’ Smith said. ‘And Mount Rushmore is a pretty big place, so it’s not impossible we could save on costs even further by finding an existing outcrop of rock that already looks like that character off Mario Kart.’
‘No, we aren’t going to sculpt his sparse, vomit-coloured pubes onto the mountain as well, before you ask. That would be a bit weird, wouldn’t it?’