The Prime Minister has warned that the EU is poised to launch compulsory coffee, croissants and dubious cold meats upon the unsuspecting British breakfast. In her conference speech, Mrs May alleged that Jean Claude Juncker is planning to impose strong coffee and in some cases threaten prosciutto or prosecution for breakfasts that do not comply with European Smoked Pork Regulations.
Complained one caff proprietor: ‘We will not bow the knee to a bunch of sharp suited bureaucrats from Strasbourg stinking of Cologne (and the other way round) whose idea of a proper breakfast is standing up for five minutes in a noisy bar sipping thimblefuls of express-o and nibbling at flakey pastries, and probably sneaking in an horrible liquorish-flavoured short when they think no one’s looking. Every Englishman has a right to fried everything’.
Sadly many deeply tanned UK entrepreneurs are based on the continent having fled the economic hardship in Billericay and will be subject to the new regulations, despite having voted for Brexit. ‘How was I to know this meant I’d have to leave an’ all?’ protested one Marbella restaurateur. ‘There was no small print on any of the postal votes I put my cross on. All I know is Basildon had more curry houses than chip shops the last time I was there, which was 2005, for a check up at the doctor. Now I don’t bother, cos these Spanish medics all speak English now and most of em don’t pong that bad of garlic. I’ll miss them.’
He continued: ‘To borrow a phrase from the Whoever, I was born with a greasy spoon in my mouth. My mother got probation. As a young man I couldn’t of led an active life of plastering, racist violence, bullion robbery and standing up at football matches (and for sex) without my full montague Brex every a.m. Now the EU want to rename black pudding cos they say it’s racist. According to the Sun they say it should just be called ‘pudding,’ which is well confusing. Pudding is what Boris Johnson would call afters….no that sounds wrong. Anyway. I just seen that the Scotch Egg may have to be renamed the Euro-Egg if the Scots manage to keep out of Brexit… or Breakfast. No wonder that Tory posh bloke couldn’t tell which is which. I’m beginning to get them two muddled ‘n all. ’