The Dark Side is slimmer


Fashion experts have confirmed what was long known by the Nazgul and members of the SS, that wearing black and attacking defenceless Hobbits, makes you look slim. A multicoloured spandex body suit may signal your character is a goodie but does it hide your fat ankles?

Nowadays, most villains come in matching black velvet unitards, black jackboots, black visors and ‘Make America Great Again’ cap. Lord Voldemort remarked: ‘Grey robes can mask the visible shape of your body and distract from any abnormalities in the nasal region. And remember kids, don’t do coke. Take it from someone who NOSE’.

Chancellor Palpatine explained: ‘The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities – but more importantly this cowl covers my disfigured face, these baggy sleeves mask my bingo wings and this black vestment covers up my big Sith-ass’. Dracula agreed: ‘My cloak creates the illusion of a slimmer silhouette – and I don’t even cast a shadow!’.

The only down-side of a darker, edgier costume choice, is it is often accompanied by the smell leather and visible semen stains – which is why Batman seems so angry. Said the Lord of the Nazgul: ‘The Dark Side gives you clothing and ethical options. If some orc makes some crack about my weight, I can either throw on a black onesie or just kill him’.

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Posted: Oct 4th, 2019 by

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