The Secret Diary of Alexander de Peffel Boris Johnson aged 13¾


After it was found in an Oxford secondhand bookshop, NewsBiscuit has successfully acquired the exclusive rights to serialise diary extracts from the teenage PM’s time as a student at Eton College.

Michaelmas Term 1977

Monday October 3rd

Got in a spot of hot water today after touching-up Matron when I went for my School Medical.

Well, I mean how was I to know what the score was? When she told me to drop my keks and grabbed a hold of (not so) little Boris I thought Wah-hey! a nod’s as good a wink to a randy schoolboy, what?

Old Matey has rather a fulsome bust so quick as a flash I just steamed right in there and grabbed myself a decent handful. You certainly don’t get many of those to the pound I can tell you. Hahaha!

But turns out she was being a bit of a tease which is rather a shame because instead of responding compliantly she gave me a jolly good cuffing around the ear; although I must admit I did quite like, albeit in a confusing sort of raging-bag-of-hormones way, the oddly pleasant and arousing feeling her punches imbued me with, and what’s more, I certainly enjoyed the overall sensory experience, not to mention the disinfectant smell and the rustling of her freshly starched blue uniform whistling past my ear as she biffed me repeatedly.

I’ve been reported to old Quench who has told me to present myself outside his study at 4.30. However I shall just deny the allegation, or better still say I don’t recall the incident, so Mum’s the word dear diary.

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Posted: Oct 4th, 2019 by

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