With Boris Johnson promising wholesale cash awards from a bottomless pit of money that he found hidden behind a sideboard in an anteroom in No. 10, it might be that you have missed some of the proposed giveaways, so here’s a ready-reckoner covering the more notable awards to help you keep up to speed. So come on mugs, closet racists and Little Englanders, pop on your rose-tinted specs recall the good old days and read on.
Income Tax: To be totally abolished as soon as possible for all but the lowest wage-earners with additional awards of £30,000 for every fully detached household in the land to be paid as a new annual Christmas bonus indexed linked to retail prices.
Hospitals: The original promise of 20 new builds has now been upgraded to 40 on the basis that if you’re going to completely take the piss and tell blatant lies then you might as well go for it with all guns blazing.
Police Recruitment: After being responsible for systematically decimating the number of serving officers in recent years what’s really needed now is another 20,000 new ones recruited as soon as possible. The plan is based on the theory of making up any old shite as you go along, especially when there is about to be a general election called and you’d like to buy as many votes as possible.
No-Deal Brexit Dividend: The estimated £500 billion pounds we pay the EU every hour will be reallocated to fund free haute cuisine meals on wheels for everyone, entitling us all to either a pint of Beluga Caviar, two dozen oysters or a 24 ounce fillet steak twice daily and three times at weekends.
Unicorns: Seventy-five gazillion pounds to be made available every month to further the interests of Unicorn Breeders. In a new ambitious 5-year initiative every new born child is to be given their own personal unicorn that will ensure they have a more than adequate supply of money, safety and stability for the entirety of their lives.
Immigration: An extra £1,000,000 billion pounds will be made available to fund the sending back of all foreigners – to where they came from – including any who were born here.
Pony Club: Young girls named Camilla, Phoebe or Jocasta will be given a personal allowance to fund up to three ponies at any one time. The funding to cover free stabling, feed and vets’ bills.
Sunlit Uplands: Another £500 billion pounds is to be set aside for the construction of a sunlit upland shrine in every town and city whereupon the sun will appear to shine and make everything seem idyllic even for ardent Brexiteers when their dream tanks.
The Good Old Days Initiative: £2,400,000 pounds will be made available for production companies prepared to remake a new run of The Black & White Minstrel Show, recommission 70s sitcom Love Thy Neighbour and give Cheeky Cockney Comedian Jim Davidson his own Saturday Night prime time show on which he will be able to tell hilariously un-PC and ill-concealed overtly racist jokes.