London man regrets teaching cat to talk


Michael Seuss from East London today explained why he bitterly regrets teaching his 5 year old Tom Cat to speak. Inspired by TV programmes such as You’ve Been Framed, the currently unemployed engineer, spent months patiently teaching Eric to turn his purrs into recognisable human speech.

Appearing on The One Show, Michael said that it was only after Eric could talk that the family realised what an arrogant little arsehole he actually is. Every morning they are faced with complaints that the food isn’t good enough, none of the beds are warm or comfortable enough and all his friends have their own scratching posts.

Despite Michael’s wife repeatedly asking Eric not to do so in front of the children, he constantly boasts about his overnight conquests of the local female cats and in graphic detail. Recounting how he often lies in wait behind a bin or under a car, Eric glories in what he insists in referring to as ‘smashing their back doors in.’

To add insult to injury, although he came from a London rescue centre, when Eric started to speak he did so with a whinny nasal Scouse accent and Michael, a proud Cockney, has vowed that if the cat calls him ‘Pal’ or ‘Our Kid’ one more time, it’s a visit to the local canal with a sack and a few bricks for the little sod.

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Posted: Oct 8th, 2019 by

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