Internet of Things to really bugger everything up


If you think that technology is already giving free rein for twats and psychos to make a mess of everything, you really haven’t seen anything yet, experts have warned today. The ‘Internet of Things’, which has come of age in recent years and is expected to consist of about 50 billion objects by 2020, is going to create a clusterfuck of quite unimaginable proportions.

‘Basically the Internet of Things means the inter-networking of physical devices, vehicles, buildings and other items embedded with electronics or network connectivity, enabling them to collect and exchange data,’ said Professor James Archer of the University of Durham.

‘Imagine that app that supposedly lets you control your central heating from your mobile, except it doesn’t but instead causes the boiler to explode because you were too thick to programme it properly, only a thousand times worse. Then imagine it being connected to everything else, so that any spotty kid with a computer can hack into your hopelessly unprotected home network and dick around with everything you own if you tick him off for taking a piss on your car.’

Some pessimists are fearful that the Internet of Things may lead to hacking into sensors to make other peoples’ lights come on at random times, or your boss being able to monitor exactly how much time you spend crying in the toilet. More optimistic scientists believe that it will give errant husbands a plausible excuse for the trail of orders for Gimp outfits on the credit cards if someone forwards this to their wives. Archer, however, thinks both sides are missing the point.

‘Put in sensors and actuators and the technology will come part of much wider cyber-physical systems,’ he said. ‘Smart grids, smart homes, intelligent transportation, smart cities … all operated by fuckwits or angry nerds who have never been within five yards of a vagina. The moment in history when ultra-connected devices intersect with ultra-disconnected brains. Someone shoot me now, please, and good luck to the dolphins when they come to sort this all out.’

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Posted: Oct 13th, 2019 by

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