Regular drinkers at the Rat and Weasel in Dartford, Gary and Dave, were today left unimpressed by the efforts of Eliud Kipchoge after the 34 year old Kenyan became the first man in history to run 26.2 miles in under 2 hours.
“It wasn’t even a proper world record” complained Gary. “It doesn’t count because of all the help he got. Lovely flat course, people jogging with him all the way telling him to run fast. Drinks delivered to him personally by a man on a bike – on a bike!!”
“He got so much help!” agreed Dave, as he finished off his third packet of pork scratchings. “A massive team around him helping him train and eat the right food. I mean, anyone can be good at something if they spend their whole time training”.
Despite his now portly frame, permanent hacking cough and general sporting ineptitude, Gary has never abandoned his belief that he could have made it as a top footballer and regularly informs fellow drinkers about his trial with Margate FC as an 18 year old, although he is yet to mention he failed to show up for it on account of an ill-fated attempt to drink his way across the entire spirits shelf the night before.
Dave, meanwhile, often secretly reminisces about his greatest sporting triumph: romping home by a country mile in the Temple Hill Primary School dressing-up race, aged 6.