In a tragic turn of events, an administration error has meant that John Henry Newman’s two ‘miracles’ have now been recognized as ‘spells’. Although the Catholic Church is big fan of the intercession of saints, they are much more suspicious of girls with pointy hats and have sadly designated the Cardinal as on par with Elphaba, Grotbags & Katie Hopkins.
One apologetic Vatican official explained: ‘You just don’t expect to see many miracles these days; other than Leicester winning the Premiership and Priti Patel avoiding prison. To be honest, you hear that an elderly priest has been fiddling with people and you just assume the worst’.
Said the Papal spokesman: ‘It’s an easy mistake to make. Spells, miracles, CGI – they’re all the same to me. Look, we’ve apologized when we’ve got things wrong – we should never have drowned David Blaine and Derren Brown as servants of Satan. Not without having spoken to their agents first’. And placing Paul Daniels in an Iron Maiden? ‘No, that was just a mercy killing’.