The Scottish National Party have declared an end to the prohibition of offal or meat products that look like Boris Johnson. Once the legislation is passed, ordinary Scottish citizens will be allowed to inject haggis, smoke haggis but will still struggle to snort a whole one.
The possession and consumption of an animal’s stomach, filled with suet and oatmeal, will no longer be a crime but will still remain a cry for help. Subsequently the SNP plan to trial safe consumption rooms – otherwise known as a Gregg’s.
The dangers of haggis were famously highlighted in ‘Trainspotting’; with a memorable scene in which Ewan McGregor swims into a shit-encrusted toilet, in search of a turd-shaped haggis. Later in the film, another character shits the bed – not because of haggis, mind you, that’s just something they do in Glasgow.
To this day haggis remains banned in the US, as it technically on the terrorist watch list. Said an SNP spokeswoman: ‘People are sadly prejudiced against the nutty texture of stuffed intestines – or, as we call it, the SNP under Alex Salmond’.