Since 1996 and his iconic appearance on Have I Got News For You, shiny-faced tosser Piers Morgan has been the nation’s prime candidate for the Two Minute Hate. Andrex released a best-selling line of toilet tissue with Morgan’s smirking face on every sheet, although the company subsequently faced numerous complaints from shit.
However, Priti Patel has recently emerged as a serious contender for Morgan’s crown. Patel is best known for her medical condition – the pseudobulbar effect – a milder version of the illness which turned The Joker into such a psycho: she just can’t stop smirking. Forensic questioning about the economic impact of Brexit? Smirk. Child’s funeral? Smirk. Collecting the pelts from 101 dalmation pups to make a coat? Smirk, plus file that one away as a possible business idea.
Psychologists have suggested that smirking might be a defence mechanism used when a person is so massively out of their depth that only feigned superiority can protect them from discovery, though that surely wouldn’t apply to Piers Morgan, who was editor of the esteemed Daily Mirror, a quality journal which narrowly missed out on the Nobel Prize for Literature with its postmodern classic: ‘Achtung Surrender! For You Fritz Ze Euro Championship Is Over’.
Whatever the cause of her unfortunate face, Patel can console herself with the fact that she will never be Piers.