Boris Johnson, Michel Barnier and others will spend the next few days holed up in CERN’s Large Hadron Collider, in an attempt to quicken up the pace of negotiations, it has been revealed.
The development will see the Irish Backstop, borders in the sea, and decentralised goods checks being thrown around the 27 mile tunnel at the speed of light, in an attempt to come to an agreement before the EU summit next week.
‘People have called for an acceleration of negotiations, and you can’t get much faster than this’, announced Boris Johnson excitedly, hands on hips, in a hard hat. ‘In the minute that we’ve been down here already, I’ve already seen the trusted trader scheme whizz round and be dismissed as non-workable over 300,000 times. It’s really quite something to see’.
If no deal is reached by Monday, members from each side will line up one by one to be collided into each other, with Laura Kuensberg, Chris Mason and Katya Adler invited to start their weekly informal Brexit podcast, just as Jacob Rees Mogg is dispatched into oblivion at high-speed.
To game-play various Brexit scenarios during the time in the tunnel, negotiators will need to chill two superconducting electromagnets to a temperature of minus 271 degrees Celsius. Donald Tusk and Angela Merkel have been specially brought in to ensure the atmosphere can be cooled to such a level.