Guide to becoming a Saint

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The Catholic Church has denied ‘lowering the bar’ after releasing a list of contemporary ‘miracles’ to be used as conditions for sainthood, in the wake of its latest round of canonisation.

The Pope has said that we should look for saints who live among us as ‘ordinary people’, though one church insider told us: ‘unfortunately we’ve hit a dry patch for miracles since science became the ‘thing’, and there just aren’t enough to go round. God isn’t helping much and you can go for months without him appearing in fruit or toast. We’re even having to start on nuns. If you’ve had a spot of good luck recently, please get in touch as we’re frankly desperate.’

The full list reads as follows:

– Becoming a Catholic
– Successfully unsubscribing from Amazon Prime
– Praying close to someone in the latter stages of a cold
– Exorcising a demon from a parking space
– Casting out from a dwelling a malevolent spirit or wasp
– Getting a 4×4 to give way and allowed you to join the traffic.
– A pensioner with wheelie trolley paying by one single quick debit card transaction.
– A man actually speaking to you on the Tube.
– Arlene Foster smiling
– Harry Kane getting a penalty, without a touch on him.
– A cat lands butter-side up
– The first pancake turning out well enough it didn’t need to be fed to the dog.
– The postman didn’t cut through your newly planted bed of winter pansies.
– Brexit

He confirmed: ‘Basically we are happy to canonize coincidence or any lyric from Alanis Morissette’s ‘Ironic’.’

 

 

 

 

 

by Adrian Bamforth & Al OPecia (hattips to the Writer’s Room)

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Posted: Oct 16th, 2019 by

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