Only relatives of Boris Johnson will be eligible to vote

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Under tough new voter ID legislation, only those with 95% DNA in common with the Prime Minister will be able to vote – a specific DNA match which also includes weasels and horny warthogs. Ironically thanks to Mr. Johnson’s indiscriminate spaffing, 16% of the electorate are now technical his illegitimate children.

There are concerns that the use of ID discriminates against minorities – and makes it harder to buy cheap cider from Asda.  Other forms of ID proposed by the Conservatives include:

  • Having your own butler
  • Monogrammed ermine robes
  • Eton tie and matching genital cuff
  • House of Lords’ library card
  • And any white, middle aged man, happy to donate £20,000 to Tory HQ

A Conservative spokeswoman denied that this was a form of gerrymandering: ‘Is it too much to ask for your average voter to photo ID, blood tests and a retina scan? Is it? Because if its not, then we need to think of something else’.

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Posted: Oct 16th, 2019 by

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