Under tough new voter ID legislation, only those with 95% DNA in common with the Prime Minister will be able to vote – a specific DNA match which also includes weasels and horny warthogs. Ironically thanks to Mr. Johnson’s indiscriminate spaffing, 16% of the electorate are now technical his illegitimate children.
There are concerns that the use of ID discriminates against minorities – and makes it harder to buy cheap cider from Asda. Other forms of ID proposed by the Conservatives include:
- Having your own butler
- Monogrammed ermine robes
- Eton tie and matching genital cuff
- House of Lords’ library card
- And any white, middle aged man, happy to donate £20,000 to Tory HQ
A Conservative spokeswoman denied that this was a form of gerrymandering: ‘Is it too much to ask for your average voter to photo ID, blood tests and a retina scan? Is it? Because if its not, then we need to think of something else’.