Following cuts that include 30,000 police officers being made redundant and the closure of 600 police stations, Boris Johnson’s minority government has pledged to recruit 20,000 brand-new police officers, of which the first three will staff Britain’s new ‘pop-up police station and espresso bar’.
The ‘Hip Hop Cop Shop’ – as the government’s £2-million marketing campaign has branded it – will be crewed by DS Kevin ‘Killa Beats’ Drilla, DC Tanya Twerk, and PC Mo Bruv. As well as providing citizens with patronising put-downs, the pop-up desk-jockeys will also host public information podcasts, but in the style of Radio 1’s legendary ‘Steve Wright in the Afternoon’ show – from back when Britain did its best to pretend that everything is okay.
However, the Home Office declined to comment when asked to explain exactly how law and order will be served by a millennial business model that has convinced herds of hipsters to swallow half-cooked salmonella from every ethnic-food stall that pops up around the nearest craft brewery.
Meanwhile, Priti Patel – the former International Development Minister who had to resign in disgrace less than two years ago, for being a crook – said: ‘Look at me, biatches, I’m the motherfucking Home Secretary!’. Despite her enthusiasm for on-the-spot death penalties and promising a reign of terror, Ms Patel’s trade-mark fatuous grin continues to reassure the UK’s career criminals that their crimes will still be recorded and forgotten on a systematically random basis.
Nobody is sure quite how this prototype will spontaneously respond to outbreaks of crime; many fear it will be like asking a flash-mob to deal with an actual mob. One vulnerable pensioner complained: ‘Nobody wants to be killed by a schizophrenic junkie wielding a claw hammer, but at least you know where to find one’.