Rupert Bear mauls farmer to death defending Bill Badger from cull

this is not a time for poetry, ho ho.

Rupert the Bear has today been sedated by armed police and transferred to a secure pen after brutally killing a Nutwood farmer who tried to shoot the bear’s close pal, Bill Badger, as part of Government plans to cull badger populations and contain the spread of bovine TB.

Shocked residents of the idyllic English village, including Podgy Pig, Pong Ping and Ming the dragon, looked on helplessly as Rupert tore the farmer limb from limb, and then proceeded to eat him. Farmer George McDonald, 74, was pronounced ‘irretrievably poorly’ at the scene.

Despite generations of children believing Rupert to be an amiable, gentle-hearted young bear, Nutwood residents insist the reality is quite different. ‘Are you kidding? He’s a bear, one of the most violent, pea-brained predators on the planet,’ said local twig man, Raggety. ‘Don’t let the checked yellow trousers and red jumper fool you. He’s a monster in a scarf and we’re all shit scared of him. Bingo the Brainy Pup won’t even be in the same room as him.’

This latest episode is seen by many as just another example of how leafy Nutwood has changed for the worse. ‘This sort of thing happens all the time,’ said Mrs Bear, Rupert’s mother. ‘I send him on a simple errand, like returning some library books tied together with a pretty ribbon, and suddenly he’s face down in the woods with a crack pipe in his hand or tearing lumps out of an animal from a rival village. Last week the police brought him home after he went tipping over bins in the town centre with Freddie and Ferdy Fox.’

‘The kid’s beyond help,’ admitted Mr Bear, without looking up from his copy of the Nutwood Chronicle. ‘Will he get in trouble again? Does a bear shit in the woods?’

Following the incident the Countryside Alliance has called for the badger cull to be extended to all anthropomorphised animals. ‘They’re not talking their way out of this one,’ said a spokesman. ‘As soon as we’ve thought of a cruel and inhumane way of terrorising and killing them, there won’t be a ridiculously dressed bear left in the country. Tally Ho!’

But it’s not just badgers and talking bears that Nutwood residents feel overrun by. Many have also complained about the effect of immigration on the small rural community, though not all agree. ‘You have to change with the times,’ said Bill Badger, 56, as he recovered from his ordeal under the comforting touch of his new wife, 17-year-old Chinese girl, Tiger Lily.


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Posted: Oct 17th, 2019 by

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