EU officials have said they have received a series of sinister letters from a central London location, each refers to a nation held hostage, for which the kidnapper would like €65bn in unmarked bills. The ransom demand goes on to ask for diplomatic immunity for one ‘B. Johnson’, a ‘nice’ pearl necklace for Carrie Symonds and a straight swap of Belgium for Scotland.
The first unsigned letter asks for a Brexit extension but the second letter makes it clear that unless these demands are ignored, EU leaders would be ‘sleeping with the fishes’ – in a non-EU fishery. There is a further threat of waking up with a severed animal’s head, something that David Cameron knows about, only too well.
Admitted one EU diplomat: ‘There may be an innocent explanation, it’s quite possible that your PM, doesn’t know how to sign his name. Then there’s a marmalade thumb print, in the top corner, which could easily be his signature. And this cock’n’balls scrawled on the envelope, if that doesn’t say Boris Johnson, I don’t know what does?’
The EU is still not sure if they should grant an extension, given that this is an unusual case where kidnapper and hostage are one in the same. Said one confused bureaucrat: ‘We have one set demands and second contradictory list – it would drive Santa mad. We’re still unsure whose thumb it is, but reports say Boris’ anus is no longer blocked’.