Today HM Revenue & Customs (HRMC) defended their decision to levy £4,327 from Facebook in 2014, based on the social network giant’s contribution to the ‘sum of human kindness’. HRMC also rejected calls to link Facebook’s corporation tax to their global profits of $701m, their share bonuses of £96,000 per UK employee or, the most accurate measurement of their worth, the number of sycophantic remarks on a member’s timeline.
One user complained: ‘If they had linked their tax bill to every time someone tried to stalk a friend, we’d all be millionaires. Their privacy policies have all the security of a Royal Bank of Scotland loan. While Facebook’s embedded cookies are like have Edward Snowden looking over your shoulder 24/7’.
Other fraudulent corporations have also embraced this laissez faire approach to tax returns, by only paying up on the most unlikely aspect of their service. Google has promised to pay $1000 for every time someone searches for the phrase ‘barely legal’ without looking for porn. While Starbucks has said it will pay $1,000,000 for every customer who does not secretly wish they were on the TV set of ‘Friends’.
With governments annually losing an estimated £2tn to tax dodging, David Gauke (financial secretary to the Treasury) naturally rejected EU legislation to combat multinational tax avoidance. An HRMC spokesman said: ‘We need to relieve the tax burden on these modestly-sized global corporations. No one should have to pay more tax than is necessary – unless of course you’re a Sixth Form College. Then f$@k you.’