Parliament split over type of ‘ditch’

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Following the vote in the commons not to accept the PM’s proposed timetable for agreeing final Brexit legislation, further dissent has arisen over approving an appropriate ditch as the location of the PM’s promised expiration.

Arguments over whether it should be a dry or a flooded ditch, a clean one or a muddy one, how deep and which way up have been eclipsed by debate over whether the event should be televised, who had the broadcasting rights, whether the event should be shown before or after the watershed and whether ditch-side spectator seating should be provided, and if so, who should decide the seating plan and profit from the ticket sales.

The location of the ditch is also, as yet, undecided, with the population of Mr Johnson’s constituency, Westminster, Northern Ireland, Scotland and most other locations in the United Kingdom being split roughly 50/50 whether they wanted or did not want the honour / disgrace / pleasure of celebrating / mourning the Prime Minister’s demise on their patch.

Technical issues to be considered include the precise manner of Mr Johnson’s decease, whether the PM could be relied on to achieve this on his own by, for example, dying of humiliation or shame (regarded as unlikely) or simply holding his breath; or whether intervention, either in the form of substantial blows with a shovel or else providing a quantity of women and letting him shag himself to death might be more appropriate.

There has been outrage at Jeremy Corbyn’s support for the leaders of the Amalgamated Union of Ditch-Diggers, Dredgers and Scrapers who are threatening to disrupt the procedure by refusing to provide any of the necessary labour involved on the grounds that they did not wish their members to risk becoming contaminated by contact with, or even having any form of association with, the fat, evil, lying Tory ‘even if the bastard is dead’.

And a senior spokesman for the Department of the Environment has just issued a formal statement declaring that the furore ‘at least makes a change, for once, from fecking Brexit’.

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Posted: Oct 24th, 2019 by

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