Today in Billericay Crown Court, Lord Justice Frankie ‘The Meathook’ Richards sentenced the driver of the lorry in which 39 dead bodies were found to ‘a slap’, adding the further judicial opinion that he was ‘well askin’ for it’. Wearing specially adapted judges’ robes displaying his initials over the left breast, Richards added that he found the Irish driver’s conduct “bang out of order”, dismissing his pleas that he knew nothing about the bodies with ‘Use yer bleedin’ minces, Paddy’.
The slap is scheduled to be carried out by the judge himself in the car park of a Wetherspoons in Southend, with signet rings still in place to make the punishment harsher. Watching will be an audience of overly made-up local women, struggling to balance on 5 inch white stilettos and light their fags despite the wind coming in off the sea. ‘And we’ll ‘ave no more jokes abaht’ ‘oo ordered the frozen Chinese,’ growled the judge in his summing-up. ‘Show a bit a respect.’