Referring to the Second Amendment, a White House aide speaking to the BBC today revealed that mass shooting is a right bestowed upon every US citizen.
‘With the Second Amendment, the Founding Fathers clearly affirmed their intention that all US citizens have the right to shoot any people they choose,’ explained the aide. ‘That’s what President Trump would like to say if he weren’t limited to the maximum Twitter character count.’
According to the aide, who wishes to remain anonymous, the right has been upheld since long before the US Constitution was ratified in 1788, some three years before the Second Amendment was added. ‘It’s a bit like British Common Law,’ suggested the aide, giving by way of example that ‘in the good old days, trappers and other pioneers were allowed to shoot Native Americans and Mexicans freely and with no need to account for their actions.’
‘The tradition has remained in practice without interruption ever since,’ continued the aide, citing John Wayne movies, Davy Crockett, the Korean war, Vietnam, Inglorious Basterds, police violence and Iraq as evidence.
“It’s because US citizens have the right to shoot anyone they choose that our nation rose from a few land-grabbing religious nutters to the cohesive, global power that we are today, dominating world politics. Ask yourself, why else would Prince Harry have married Meghan Markle?
‘Face it: if it weren’t for us then your royal family would all be speaking German.’