Britain’s latest Prime Minister Boris Johnson has been found dead in a ditch after being cruelly forced to ask for an extension to Brexit. A grieving nation has now hailed him the one politician of our decadent times who actually kept his promises to the British people.
According to police in Herefordshire, where the ditch in question was located, Johnson left a ‘career suicide note’ in which he poured scorn on those who doubted his vow to die in a ditch rather than force his beloved country to endure one more day under the bloodstained jackboot that is the Plant Protection Products (Sustainable Use) Regulation of 2012.
‘This is the end for good old Bojo,’ it began. ‘Bally rotters in Parliament acting like they were elected there and didn’t have to do what a massive majority of the British people told them to three years ago have wiff-waffed it up for us all again. Churchill never had to put up with this piffle! But never let it be said I’m not a man of my word, like that Harrow oik Osborne. Cheerio, chaps, and give my love to my children, if you could be so good as to find out how many of them there are.’
The ‘ditch’ in which the shit-flinging albino gibbon was found is of subtly different design to traditional ditches, it has emerged. In order to make it suitable for an Old Etonian, it was built above ground over three storeys, with 21 state rooms, a swimming pool, a billiard room and a private area in which the owner and his guests can be entertained by a troupe of fully trained teenage Russian pole dancers.
‘And if the old girl finds out about this, I’m dead,’ added Johnson. ‘Yes, of course that’s what I meant by ‘dead’ and ‘ditch’. That was perfectly clear from the start and there’s no need for any of this ‘People’s Vote’ about it nonsense. And it was awfully kind of so many of you to offer to dig the ditch for me, but there’s really no need, we’ve got this one sorted out already. Pip pip.’