The recent landmark decision by the MOD to allow female personnel to occupy all positions within the armed forces has left Britain’s elite soldiers filled with dread.
Major Steve McCabe of the SAS, who wished only to be known as ‘Steve Mac’, explained, ‘I’ve been there: Afghanistan, Iraq, Newcastle. I’ve seen horrors beyond imagination, but there’s nothing that can prepare a soldier for the sight of a comrade using a pencil to draw lines inside her own eye.’
For the first time in British military history men and women of all ranks will engage in combat alongside each other. But they will initially be kept apart in grooming areas.
Steve Mac elaborated: ‘After a training exercise, a lady soldier once gave me a dollop of gritty paste to remove camo paint. It stung like jellyfish jam and took the top layer of skin clean off my face, never again! And the self-punishment of hair should be against the Geneva Convention. Steaming-hot batons straightening the hair because it’s curly, then curling it because it’s straight. Try explaining the rationale behind this to a shaven-headed squaddie.’
Sergeant Julia Hampton added. ‘Some of the soldiers mixing with female recruits will be young lads, it’s too early for them to see what the little scissors are used for just yet.’
On speaking about the different qualities female recruits will bring, Steve added: ‘A pal of mine was captured on an insurgency operation in South America. They tortured him relentlessly, he held out until they started pulling tiny eyebrow hairs out with a tweezer, it was game over then. If we’d have had a lady soldier in that situation she’d have laughed and asked them to do the other side.’
It’s understood that within minutes of the statement by defence secretary Gavin Williamson, IS and the Taliban announced an end to hostilities with immediate effect. News agencies have reported the fighters became petrified after seeing a video of female British soldiers grating layers of skin from their own heels with a rock.